Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Doing This "Right"

Well, since my blog about my life and posting music failed miserably, I guess I should just post about my life, for anyone who would want to know about it.  I'm not going to update you on everything, cause I'm sure you probably don't care that much.  Instead, I'll just tell you about one aspect of it right now.  Then more later!

I talked with my Australian friends today.  That was quite the trip down memory lane.  I miss them so much!  I'm not normally the kind of person that misses someone that I only spent a limited amount of time with, but I definitely miss them.  There was something about experiencing that country together, that really bonded me to them for the rest of my life, and I would really just love to see them, especially now.

So, since I was down this memory lane, I decided to call up Brendan (Lion Cub from my video), and just see how he was doing.  Quick back story, the first boy I have truly loved, met him in Australia, and things got intense, fast, and just out of control amazing.  I have said that I have loved guys before, I have, I won't lie about that.  But this feels like the real deal, and I won't be saying those words to anyone any time soon, I'm sure.  I know this is love because it won't stop.  With the other guys, I have been able to just let them go, stop thinking about them, and move on quite easily.  With Bren, I just can't move on.  I think about him every day.  It has been this way for going on a year now.

But I need to move on.  I need to just get over this and find something else to fill that void.  A friend said to me today that when you fall in love with someone, they take a piece of your heart and you will probably never get it back.  I am believing that.  It hurts so much just to think about him.  We talked on the phone, and he is doing great, and that makes me happy.  He is doing wonderful things with his life, following his dreams, and I know he's going to be big one day, because that is just the kind of person he is.  He has been seeing someone for the past couple of months now, which is great.  I'm glad he's happy.  But it also hurts.  Of course, why wouldn't it?

I guess what hurts the most is that I'm not sure just how much this was a two-way street.  And as I write that, just thinking about it, the tears start to swell up in my eyes.  The thought that something I cherish so much is easily replaced and duplicated just scares me.  Was it all a lie?  Its not a thought that I'm comfortable with.

But you know, a lot of this is probably just me.  Something I need to deal with.  But its a hard task to complete!  Especially in my situation.  I go to a school with many gays that either a. don't like me, or b. I don't like them.  No one is meeting my standard of goal-oriented, socially-minded go-getter who just so happens to be beautiful in my eyes.  I deserve that, so where is it?  I don't think I'll be finding it any time soon.  At least not for the next year and a half.  Guess thats a just my luck kind of thing.

Suggestions on how to just get on with it already?