Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Doing This "Right"

Well, since my blog about my life and posting music failed miserably, I guess I should just post about my life, for anyone who would want to know about it.  I'm not going to update you on everything, cause I'm sure you probably don't care that much.  Instead, I'll just tell you about one aspect of it right now.  Then more later!

I talked with my Australian friends today.  That was quite the trip down memory lane.  I miss them so much!  I'm not normally the kind of person that misses someone that I only spent a limited amount of time with, but I definitely miss them.  There was something about experiencing that country together, that really bonded me to them for the rest of my life, and I would really just love to see them, especially now.

So, since I was down this memory lane, I decided to call up Brendan (Lion Cub from my video), and just see how he was doing.  Quick back story, the first boy I have truly loved, met him in Australia, and things got intense, fast, and just out of control amazing.  I have said that I have loved guys before, I have, I won't lie about that.  But this feels like the real deal, and I won't be saying those words to anyone any time soon, I'm sure.  I know this is love because it won't stop.  With the other guys, I have been able to just let them go, stop thinking about them, and move on quite easily.  With Bren, I just can't move on.  I think about him every day.  It has been this way for going on a year now.

But I need to move on.  I need to just get over this and find something else to fill that void.  A friend said to me today that when you fall in love with someone, they take a piece of your heart and you will probably never get it back.  I am believing that.  It hurts so much just to think about him.  We talked on the phone, and he is doing great, and that makes me happy.  He is doing wonderful things with his life, following his dreams, and I know he's going to be big one day, because that is just the kind of person he is.  He has been seeing someone for the past couple of months now, which is great.  I'm glad he's happy.  But it also hurts.  Of course, why wouldn't it?

I guess what hurts the most is that I'm not sure just how much this was a two-way street.  And as I write that, just thinking about it, the tears start to swell up in my eyes.  The thought that something I cherish so much is easily replaced and duplicated just scares me.  Was it all a lie?  Its not a thought that I'm comfortable with.

But you know, a lot of this is probably just me.  Something I need to deal with.  But its a hard task to complete!  Especially in my situation.  I go to a school with many gays that either a. don't like me, or b. I don't like them.  No one is meeting my standard of goal-oriented, socially-minded go-getter who just so happens to be beautiful in my eyes.  I deserve that, so where is it?  I don't think I'll be finding it any time soon.  At least not for the next year and a half.  Guess thats a just my luck kind of thing.

Suggestions on how to just get on with it already?

6 comments:

zachary said...

watercolors???????

Ed Buffey said...

Your story reminds me of the love I once had for a guy. I still love him. If I were ever to find him again, we'd at the very least reconnect. I lost him when his parents were killed in an automobile accident. The incident took so much of his energy... especially when he had to help take care of other family members as well as finish college.

Your description of what you want in a guy is exactly what he and I shared. So I know how difficult it is to find that. It took me a good two years for the pain of that loss to subside enough to be tolerable. It's been an additional six years and I still hurt whenever I think about him.

It's difficult to think that there is hope. Yet I know that hope abounds. I have several heterosexual male friends who would be my boyfriend if they were gay. This they've said to my face... all without coaxing.

If nothing else, know that you are deeply loved. I'm rooting for you.

Edwin said...

mery christmas!

tpeterson said...

It can be really hard getting over someone who means so much to you. I was in a relationship for three years and even though we have been separated for five months I still find myself thinking about this person all the time. I know the happiness that comes with knowing they are doing well and have moved on. And I also know the pain that comes with the realization that you are no longer part of their life when you realize that they are growing and experiencing things without you by their side.

What has really gotten me through the periods where I feel utterly alone and hopeless for ever finding the right man are my friends. Without them I would still be in a really bad place. I know that the whole "keep your friends close" montage is very cliché but one of the things I've learned over the last few months is that when you really boil right down to the raw and simple truths of life you realize that they are clichés for a reason.

I am really sorry that you are going through this because no one should have to. Life isn't fair but you still shouldn't have to endure this.

Jin said...

I just saw some of your youtube videos, which linked me here. I really liked what you said about loving yourself before deciding to love other people, it's a really good point. You have to remember that although it's wonderful having someone to love like that, having friends and family is important also.

Being single can have huge up sides too. It's a great time to build upon yourself and claim some independence! Having a boyfriend isn't everything, and it never should be, no matter how amazing they are. Stay positive!

It does suck, however, the whole loving someone and trying to get over them, so good luck man! I don't usually read much blog stuff- your videos on youtube are really cool!

carlocharmed89 said...

When things get great with someone it means that one day, if it's all gonna fall, then you'll be hurt like hell and you'll rather prefer to be smashed away by a car than thinking about someone who's not yours/with You/in You anymore and it hurts. It hurts thinking of when you both were happy TOGETHER and when you were so happy because you thought that it was the "appily ever after" you really deserved, and that's why now you feel you can't move on. It's all a matter of perfection, the perfection that you saw in Bren's eyes... if you think you're gonna step out your house and accidentally fall just right in front of Brian 2nd it will never happen, and that's why thinking of him makes your eyes cry and makes the walls of your room blur into nothing.
The thing is: HE IS MOVING ON, he has been your Bren but now he feels like moving on and maybe even if he was SO perfect he was not the THAT perfect you're surely gonna meet one day. Do you think you deserve to be happy? If so try to move on too, with which I don't mean LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE, but just try to release your heart and make it open to accept someone else. You yourself said in one of your videos that we have to stop looking for love to make it come to us, well then when love has gone away we have to stop living with that love that filled our days once and that is not gonna do that anymore. Take with both hands your right to be happy just like Bren has made with his life: now he's distant and he doesn't seem to act like the heart-broken-still-in-love guy like you are, and with this I don't mean he's a dick, but just that he knows how things go and knows that he HAS to think to happiness in a way he can achieve even without you around. He IS part of you, and will be FOREVER, he will always make your eyes cry when you think of him, but don't forget that when you cry... well, you deserve to have someone WITH you, someone who you're ready to love, who can BE the one you're looking for. It's a difficult path, but it's what I think you should do to feel ready to be happy again. Wake up and FEEL (not LOOK FOR) like every day might be the one in which you'll accidentally step in the love of your life, in YOUR HAPPINESS, the one who's gonna make your heart beat like THAT once and for all. I whish you that man!